MOP

Despite growing concern from the international community, and the many attempts on behalf of the United Nations to mediate a unilateral solution to the escalating controversy, the United States of America announced this morning that it would continue with the development of its weapon of mass destruction, M.O.P. (Massive Ordinance Penetrator). Upon completion of the weapon, this American nation would, for the first time, have the ability to penetrate so-called "deep targets" in the region. Some analysts say that the announcement was strategically planned for the month of February, as most of the government of Chile is on vacation somewhere deep in the south of the country with no access to telephones or fax machines. The Republic of Chile has been leading a regional diplomatic coalition to demand that UN weapons inspectors be deployed to the Anglo-Saxon nation. The possibility of deploying OAS weapons inspectors led by secretary general Jose Miguel Insulza has also been proposed.

President Lagos issued harsh statements yesterday from his vacation home in Caburgua over a glass of vino tinto. In his trademark "third person" oratory style, the president reminded the international community that "Chile is a serious country where institutions work, and its president cannot simply stand on the sidelines while a hostile and imposing nation threatens stability in the Americas." After a round of questions by the local media, he referred to himself as being, "the one president who will do whatever it takes to get them to comply with international law, and that's that!"

Minister of international relations Ignacio Walker returned from his vacation home to Santiago early in the morning for an emergency meeting with other members of Lagos' task force. Chile's regional coalition includes former victims of United States invasion. Cuba, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Guatemala, and Panama top the list. Chile itself has been the victim of aggression by the United States; first in 1973 where the christian nation tried to impose its "free market" system within the country using a uniquely subtle torture, exile and mass-killing method. More recently, however, there have been widespread reports of cultural propaganda infiltration by the United States.

Just before heading south for his vacation, minister of the interior Francisco Vidal made public an in-depth government report detailing an intricate United States-led propaganda campaign aimed at unsuspecting Chilean elites. In the report, the military intelligence agency outlines an intricate network of clandestine audiovisual re-education centers called "cineplexes" designed and built to trigger a massive identity crisis within the country. Many Chileans have reportedly been coerced into eating highly toxic United States food while watching films and commercials depicting everyday life in the United States. The use of English, the official language of the United States, in highly opportune moments has also been reported.

Although numerous intelligence reports and media outlets suggest that the United States is already testing depleted uranium-laced weapons of mass destruction on innocent civilians and future unborn generations in remote areas like the Middle East, the Puritan Governing Junta (PGJ), led by court-appointed leader George W. Bush, have insisted that its M.O.P. program is actually a civilian program designed to coordinate and carry out massive public works projects such as highways and bridges. This morning the PGJ made an indirect reference to a similar program currently operating in the Republic of Chile in an attempt to downplay their role in any possible violation of the international ban on weapons that make big holes. A different set of expert analysts have interpreted this as a veiled threat directed at Chile.

According to the Chilean ex-minister of public works,Javier Etcheberry, the andean version of the M.O.P. program has been highly successful in coordinating and constructing bridges that last for up to five years, but he also stressed the differences between the two programs. "Our program is designed to give foreign firms the unique opportunity to build big things for us in exchange for envelopes full of money", affirmed the ex-minister, "while the PGJ's program is clearly designed to make big holes." Friends of international intelligence experts have reviewed the evidence and concluded that, although the weapon of mass destruction under scrutiny could conceivably be used in a civilian project, it would more likely be employed to harass neighboring peace-loving democracies and to destabilize the Americas.


Santiago spokesman Osvaldo Puccio held an emergency press conference during a breakfast cocktail party held in the orange garden where he downplayed everything. "No.........this is typical...........everything is unfolding as expected...........the government has done....... everything according to plan........and........nobody has to worry about anything.........we can handle it."